Hints, Tips & FAQ, abbreviated and answered

1) Telephone

i) How do I transfer a call?

No one wants to talk to you, much less people who would stoop to associating with you.

ii) How do I forward my phone?

Are you still entertaining the illusion that you will ever do something as exciting as leaving your cube?

iii) How do I conference a call?

You are intolerable enough one-on-one. Your charm does not increase in groups.

iv) How do I program my Auto Dial buttons?

Don’t. This will merely encourage you to burden others with your telephonic presence.

v) Where is the phone list?

Safely hidden from the likes of you.

vi) How do I use the conference room space phones?

Sparingly if at all. They are not to be used to make those 3 AM calls to your woefully underpaid therapist.

2) Voicemail

i) How do I check for messages?

You aren’t seriously expecting any, are you?

ii) How do I retrieve my voicemail?

See 2. I.

(a) Deleting messages

If by chance you do receive a message, you may want to cherish it forever as a reminder that someone, somewhere, dialed the wrong number. You therefore need to learn about:

(b) Saving messages

Unfortunately, this is too complex for you to master. Give up now.

(c) Giving a message to another mailbox(s)

Although this is not as bad as actually calling someone yourself, the thought that you would shuffle your problems on to one of your co-workers is just typical of you.

iii) How do I change my password?

Don’t bother- we’ll just learn that one, too.

3) Problems

i) How do I report a problem?

(a) During business hours

Purify yourself by abstaining from eating or sexual activity for three days. Write your problem on a piece of paper and concentrate very hard on it. Say 50 Hail Marys over it, tear it to confetti, and release it out the window, while saying, “Help me, Saint Molevius! I offer this prayer to you!”

We’ll get back to you.

(b) After hours and weekends

Need you be reminded that we have evenings and weekends off for the express purpose of avoiding you?

ii) How do I get a status update on a problem?

Don’t you worry, we’re on top of it.

Hey, I told you, we’ll get it done.

The part is on backorder, we’ll let you know when it’s in.

Nope, still on backorder.

What was your problem again?

Oh, that. Don’t you worry, we’re on top of it.

iii) Will NS help me with my home computer?

Will you give NS oral pleasure?

iv) My wrists/forearms hurt using this keyboard/mouse.

On top of Mount Wilson is one of the most powerful telescopes in the world. It can see all the planets, a great many stars, and not a few galaxies beyond our own. Nearby, on top of Mount Palomar, is an even more powerful telescope, capable of seeing to the very edges of the known universe. If you could somehow fit the Mount Palomar telescope inside the Mount Wilson telescope, you still would not be able to see our interest in your problem.

4) Remote Access

i) Can I work from home?

You waste enough time at work (mostly ours), no reason you can’t work at home.

ii) How do I get remote access?

See 3.III

iii) Does pogo.com pay for my remote access?

What the hell do you think? Do you pay for our hookers and booze?

iv) Types of remote access

(a) Analog dial-up -

The slowest of the slow, painful deaths. Enjoy!

(b) ISDN dial-up -

Not quite as slow as an analog dial-up, but certainly not the fastest pony on the track. Perfect for you over-eager, under-achieving, Willie Lowman middle-management types who try desperately to break away from the pack but never manage to get anything except sweaty and tired.